You can determine the dexterity of your child

October 27th, 2007 / posted by Jake

Recently, we decided that Tyler needs to be a lefty just like his Uncle Brett and Grandpa Ashlock. Why? Because the world is full of boring rightys. Being a lefty would make him that much more unique and, if we made the correct decisions on his behalf, (we) he could profit.

Plus, think of the benefits of being a lefty. They get their own scissors, baseball gloves, knives, computer-mouse, guns (haha), golf clubs and much more. Just think of how much easier it would be to handle your food at a drive-through. No more near-face-punches with your right hand as you shift around in your car trying to take the food with the right hand. Simply reach out with your left, and bring it in. For this and many other reasons, we made it our goal to have Tyler become lefthanded. Some of you might ask why not have him become ambidextrous? Well that’s simple – we don’t want him to have an eating disorder like all the ambidextrous super models. Duh.

For those of you interested in how we MADE him a lefty, let me tell you it was a grueling process. We tried taping his right hand to his ear, but he eventually figure out how to remove the duct-tape. Zip-tying his right hand to his leg also proved useless because he started sucking on his right knee. Lindsey wanted to tie a bag around his right hand, and had I not interjected, she probably would have followed through, causing his hand to be sweaty and gross for the rest of his life. How exactly did we force him into the beautiful world full of high-iq lefty’s? A poem should explain:

Five little monkeys jumping on the bed,
One fell off and bumped his head.
Mama called the Doctor and the Doctor said,
“No more monkeys jumping on the bed!”

Four little monkeys jumping on the bed,
One fell off and bumped her head.
Mama called the Doctor and the Doctor said,
“No more monkeys jumping on the bed!”

Three little monkeys jumping on the bed,
One fell off and bumped his head.
Mama called the Doctor and the Doctor said,
“No more monkeys jumping on the bed!”

Two little monkeys jumping on the bed,
One fell off and bumped her head.
Mama called the Doctor and the Doctor said,
“No more monkeys jumping on the bed!”

One little monkey jumping on the bed,
He fell off and BROKE HIS RIGHT ARM.
Mama called the Daddy and the Daddy said,
“uhh… you’re kidding right? Great, just what we need. A stinky cast.”

For those of you have never seen a lefty pick their nose, play left-handed hide and seek, swing in a left-handed swing, or throw a left-handed temper tantrum, look at the pictures.

Tags: Tyler